I don't say these things. Usually.

I’ve been away.

I haven’t written on here for a long time.  Various reasons.  1) I forgot about it. 2) My computer was down for about 4 months. 3)Before it was down, I probably didn’t feel like writing. 

I don’t know if I feel like writing now either. 

What’s changed in the last four months?  Well, I turned 30.  I turned 30 without reaching some of the goals I set for myself.  I did reach one of them, but probably the most important, which is to become more physically active and stronger has not happened.

I think I’ve become more social. I made a new friend and a new acquaintance who could become a new friend.  I actually like the new friend a lot…like as more than friends, but I don’t think he’s interested in me that way so I’m fine with being friends. 

I want to change.

I am unhappy with myself.  I’m unhappy with my physical state and my mental state.  I always feel like if I fix the physical, the mental will come along naturally.  But then I stop to think about it, and I have never in my life felt beautiful.  Even when I was a child, I look back on pictures and think “aw I was so cute” but at the time I never felt it.  I can remember strangers saying “What a pretty little girl” and I wouldn’t believe them.  What makes a child so self-conscious?  I don’t recall getting any negative comments.  I also remember being very afraid of being rejected by other children in groups, such as at the day camp I went to the summer when I was 4. I didn’t try to make friends because I didn’t think the other kids would like me. But I even had a “boyfriend” there for a day.  One day a boy asked if he could be my boyfriend for pretend and I said okay and we sat under a giant fake octopus together.  The next day he said he was my boyfriend and I said “that was just pretend” and he said “can’t we pretend again?”  I don’t remember what I said exactly but it was “No.” What a little heart-breaker I was, lol.  (I wonder who that boy was and where he is now.) For some reason I was embarassed to think about anyone finding out, especially my parents.  AT FOUR YEARS OLD!  Why was I born with this extra embarrassed/low self-esteem/social anxiety gene?  It’s not like I didn’t have any friends, there were always a couple neighbor kids around that I got along with.

So if this fear of rejection goes back so far that I can’t remember a time when I didn’t have it, how do I get over it?  I can tell myself I’m a good person and I deserve a good person to be with, but how do I believe it?  I don’t know who I’m talking to. 

So much STUFF.

I spent the weekend going through so much old stuff at my parents’ house.  My mom wants to have a garage sale but at this point I’m thinking we should just donate stuff and get it over with.  Some of the stuff was so old…and so WORTHLESS I didn’t even know why I was holding on to it.  I got rid of (or put into the ‘garage sale’ pile) so much, I am proud of myself.  Sad thing is we aren’t done.  We have so much stuff in this house.  I’m so ready to simplify. 

I don’t want to whine, but…

When will I find him?  I’m 29 years old.  I’ve had one long term relationship that lasted almost 3 years, but that was years ago.  Since then, I haven’t really had an official relationship. There’s always something that is too big of an obstacle for us to overcome to make it work long term.  Religion, kids, lifestyle choices, GRR.  Oh and then there’s the new crop of guys that I’ll meet, feel like we could have potential and then BAM! Wedding band.  When did all these late 20s guys get married?!  A couple of my friends married guys in their 30s, maybe that’s where I should look.  I hate looking though, and that might be my problem, I just want it to happen.  I never wanted to be the kind of woman that isn’t complete without a man.  I just want someone to be with, come home to, have to go to concerts with me… someone that wants the same things I want and cares about what I care about. 

I’m not very religious but I believe in God and I’m tolerant of religious different than what I was raised.  I like that “Coexist” shirt, even though it’s incomplete. I need someone that actually cares to try to understand faiths different than their own and doesn’t just nod and smile and pretend they are tolerant. 

I don’t want to have kids.  I’m not changing my mind on that.  I would consider adoption if I ever felt the desire to raise children but I cannot in my right mind create a life to bring into this world.  Not in the state it’s in now.  

I don’t drink but I don’t mind if others do in moderation.  I don’t smoke, never have, I DO mind if others do.  Hate smoke. I have never done drugs of any kind.  I had a thing with a guy that did various drugs and he kept saying he’d quit “for me” but never did.  That kinda sucked. 

I’m vegetarian, mostly vegan. I say mostly because I don’t eat any dairy or meat but I do eat honey some and I haven’t gotten every animal product out of my life. Beewax and lanolin might sneak by me sometimes. I don’t buy anything leather, fur or silk but I probably have some wool in my life. 

I love music. I love concerts, although recently I’ve gotten really annoyed by fellow concert goers at certain shows.  I like some local music.  I like to become friends with musicians I admire.  So if you go to a concert with me, chances are it’s going to include getting there early and/or staying late to meet the band.  I’m a little bit of a music snob at times but I have my guilty pleasures too.  Most of the music I like isn’t on mainstream radio.  Except for classic rock stations.  I like a lot of that.  Still I like listening to the radio (usually on scan or the college radio.) I love the element of surprise when listening to the radio.  And when a song comes on that you never expected to hear or haven’t heard in forever, that’s the best.   I like Soundstage and Austin City Limits and Subterranean although I hardly ever see those. 

I like tv.  I only have a few shows that I watch regularly. No reality tv!  Can’t stand it.  Clever sitcoms and comedy-drama type things are my favorite.  I don’t really like cops shows too much or serious hospital shows.  I like to laugh although I can also enjoy sappy stuff too.  I’m not the girliest girl, but I’m secretly more girly than I seem.  I like stand-up comedians, I watch a bit of Comedy Central. I like Letterman and Conan not Leno and Craig. 

I’m not at educated as I’d like to be.  I like to make things. I want to learn how to make more things.  I wish I could sell the things I make. 

These are two pet peeves I’ve been meaning to voice lately. 

1. People who refuse to wear shoes, even in public.  I’ve seen 2 different people recently walking in the grocery store without shoes! No. Wear some damn shoes.  I’m so not going to feel sorry for you when you step on something painful.  I’ve worked in retail for years and I know how dangerous stores can be, how much stuff gets broken and not always cleaned up completely.  The other day I watched a woman get out of her truck, walk into the grocery store, then came out and walked down the street without shoes.  Yuck.  I can understand that some people find shoes uncomfortable, but throw on some flip flops or something at least when you are in public. 

2. Women who wear heels at inappropriate times, such as in the bleachers at a baseball game. 

So basically, I don’t like when people think about their footwear and choose something appropriate.

Ok, enough.

First post

I’m new.  I’m not much of a blogger so I’m not sure why I’m doing this.  I feel like there have been things I’ve wanted to share lately but not actually with my friends because I’m embarrassed of how I feel sometimes.

Tonight I went to see Son of Rambow.  I wasn’t really sure what to expect.  Go see it if it’s playing near you.  I will make no comments on it because I don’t want to influence your thoughts on it.